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alright, my new name is HauntedHearted, so update foo's!
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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i need everything to start over. im going to create a new livejournal name, make everything real pretty. forget this bullshit past i love to ignore. does anyone just look back at the last couple years and go.."what the fuck..was i thinking?" and at the time you thought it was fuckin reckless and amazing. but it wasnt. i feel like ive changed alot lately. for the better. and at least can look back at the past and be like "ok well ive learned" ... i dont regret anything, but in a month im not going to be a teenager anymore. i guess its supposed to be like this. i just feel like im shedding bad skin.
so im starting out on a new plain, with the friends ive always had but never took the time to work things out. no more drama girls, just kisses and booze. and ive got it bad for an amazing boy. things are lookin up.
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dearly fuckin beloved. i dont know how many of my friends know this, but i have the most gorgeous fuckin bad ace guy in the world. i can't stop thinkin bout him, ever. seriously my dream boat. anyway, this weeks been too hectic. today i tried gettin a hold of darlene to no avail. there was a party at joel's but i guess i needed to stay home anyways. i have another tattoo appointment tomorrow, maybe ill learn how to put some pics up. my rents are goin out this weekend, which means DARLENE and JESSIE are going to bring their sweet asses over to my crib for a round of poker and cocktails. how bout it ladies? kisses
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I love your ass
For better or worse
I love your nasty way you curse
When you sit down
It's wild how you sit
Grind your heel in the ground
..The groovy way you spit
Ooohh you look good
Ooohh you smell good
Ooohh you taste good
Like a bad girl should
When I need love
I love how you feel
When I need dough,
I love how you steal
I love your sick
Way you think
The way your perfume
Makes you stink
Ooohh you look good
Ooohh you smell good
Ooohh you taste good
Like a bad girl should
I love your boots
Your fancy clothes
Your boufant hair
Your pantyhose
I blow a gasket
For your pink jellybean
Your pic-nic basket splits my spleen
Ooohh you look good
Ooohh you smell good
Ooohh you taste good
Like a bad girl should
thaaaaank you cramps!
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OK well what the fuck everyone? Bad things no longer happen in 3's. They come in boatloads. It all started when I was going to my final on Tuesday and me and 4 others were ran over by a gigantic tow truck. So that ended my up with some muscle relaxers and horse pills. Next day at work some old filthy man had me get something down for him in a corner and tried lifting up my skirt, perv. And today, my mom threw a plat at me and is trying to make me pay rent. So I guess that is three, and the end of the week, so I'm not going to have such a sucky week this time.
On a much lighter note, I think a new James Dean museum is having its grand opening on the 15th, which i really want to go to but I have work. And so i need to get out of that somehow. Also, I went to a portch party at Joel's place last night and drank some PBR, which made me feel alot better about things.
I'm just bitchy today cause its mothers day..grumble...and I really need to get out of the house but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
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man im loaded up ALL wrong tonight.
this weekend coulda been a lot better. except friday was a lot of fun. sophie got the first grey line of her back peice. it turned out pretty well, but it is just a grey line still..
so thats what inspired me to go home and look up the things i would like to put on my sleeve. its going to turn out pretty lame when i put in into words. basically its just going to be an old school peacock with the feathers wrapping around my arm. it'll be cut off on the bottom with red roses and some thorns. then the whispy blue sky thing. and maybe a creepy looking tree and the moon and bats? i dont know im just throwing things in now. im so sick of cherry tattoos. if i see another...
i was pretty fuckin pissed saturday night. i was supposed to go to the show and i was pretty hyped for it since i got the saturday night of work. well turns out mark bailed on me, so i ended up watchin the tube. i didnt know how to get there. grrr..
and easter sucks...but this music is good.
and there might be a guy in my life soon, if i play my cards right. im ready to let the summah begin baybay.
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Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
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i need to tone down on the drug usage, my revenue is draining. i can't speak coherently anymore. is this a problem? cuz i certainly wasn't dyslexic before. and i stole my dad's floyd lp. yes, this IS indeed a problem.
this past week i managed to clear up some space in past personal bull shit. its good..its good...
i've finally decided on my sleeve. i was messin around with a couple of ideas and finally settled on the one i want the most. basically im going to be taking my favorite art pieces and putting them together in a collage. its of a peacock..some roses..probably some stars and swirling skies and a lot of intricate coloring. does this sound dumb? i want it to be more of a traditional tattoo, if i get the peices together maybe ill scan it on here. just need to make that appointment. I already have my ankle tattoo drawn out of a couple pin up girls. the money..
and by the way, for those of you who aren't already aware, the rolling stones fuckin rock my world.
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this is the poem i was talking about with some of my friends. it really blows me away.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats,
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go,
Talking of Michaelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the windowpanes
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle upon the windowpanes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the windowpanes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go,
Talking of Michaelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin,
(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!")
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse.
For I have known them already, known them all-
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons,
I know the voices dying with a dying fall,
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all-
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all,
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare,
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie around a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And how should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep... tired... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worthwhile,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball,
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say, "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all," --
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say, "That is not what I meant, at all."
"That is not it, at all."
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worthwhile,
After the sunsets and dooryards and sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worthwhile
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning towards the window, should say:
"That is not it, at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous,
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old... I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves,
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea,
By sea-girls wreathed in seaweed, red and brown,
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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yea, its good to get out of this shit hole indiana, and see the world. how gorgeeous it is for a couple days. then you're back in that rusty old plane again looking over the gray wastland otherwise refered to as indianapolis. you know, at first i was happy to come back. and now i know im not.
i was planning on moving out this summer with mark. who lost his job. so now im back to phase one. need to find a place. get away from here. i want it to be so easy, but its really not and things just dont tend to go my way.
im just going to grin and bare it i guess. im going to save a good percentage of my money from work and find out where to go from there. the only thing i think ill splurge on is tattoos and shoes. pink ones. that should make me happy.
any way, ive been good and sober for the past week or so except throwing a few beers and margaritas back in good ol' arizona. so now ive just gotta get back into the hang of everything. ah, the grind.
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Monday, February 16th, 2004
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Captains Log. Well sometimes I don't see the point of updating because you can just read guttergirl's journal, and my life events are tracked. But really. On Saturday I had a lot of fun with a little Misfits drinking game. Take a shot everytime they sing "whoaaa"..needless to say, we were all pretty drunk in only a few short minutes. The rest of saturday night, as erin put it, was spent air guitaring to the adicts in a drunkin frenzy at some house. But it was fun. Maybe being a hermit isn't all it's made out to be.
Still working on getting that money from my ex. I need those tattoos.
Signing off.
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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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over the past two weeks, i have noticed how much i am in need of a job. except the thing is, i just cant work in food service anymore, cuz it would just drive me insane. i was thinking about hitting up my ex lowlife boyfriend for the one fucking thousand dollars he owes me.
he's in trouble with the law again or something, and needs to pay them 4k before the month comes to its end. and? apparently he's got a way to get tht 4k and maybe have a little left over. hmm, how do you make that much money so fast? i can only guess...
its not even that its so important that i have this money, but i really want to keep updatng my tattoos. i had a dream the other night of having a actual heart tattoo on the underside of my wrists with the veins merging with my own. not the uhh, regular heart emblem. i also have this one peacock feather on my left shoulder, and i want to get the same on my other shoulder blade. and maybe a peacock in between with its feathers down and falling underneath my sacred heart tattoo on my lower back. so? whats he going to use the money on? porn and drugs probably. but not if i have it my way.
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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
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I had a lot of fun this weekend with Sophie. Great post eh?
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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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I woke up on x mas morning completely depressed. I had a dream about John Rzeznik. I forget what it was about. What is it about a man that you can't touch, or if you can, not get close to? It's more than that. I'm afraid of falling.
Christmas sucks. I think it always did, I just wasn't aware of it at the time.
I've been having a real hard time keeping my head up lately. I don't know why either. I feel like I have the power to go on, but I'm just too unmotivated, and that makes me feel so worthless.
I miss Kat so much.
I'm looking forward to the new year. It will be a fresh start. Maybe get some motivation there. Hopefully.
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Thursday, December 18th, 2003
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Well the past few weeks have gone by pretty fast. Me and Sophie have reached a new all time low. We each packed our own bowl so we wouldn't have to pass it to each other. Not that it wasn't fun.
Yesturday we went to se Return of the King. It was probably the most amazing film I have ever seen. Viggo Mortensen who plays Aragorn is such an extraordinary actor. I've looked him up, he's a poet and artist. *drooool* What an amazing man. He reminds me a lot of John Rzeznik. They both have this way of walking. Maybe I sound crazy, but when guys have this certain swagger I go nuts. And they both have very distinct jawline and chin.
Me and Kat are going to Sloppy Seconds on Saturday. It'll be fun. I've been the lone wolf lately, I need to pick someone up. So I'm exctited about that. OK that's it.
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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
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Last night me and my boyfriend Justin broke up. Not that I minded at the time, it was mutual. Then all last night and today I was chillin with my friends, so I never had much time to notice how much I really did miss him. I mean, we were complete opposites and I know that it is for the best, but right now it sucks, sucks, sucks. And the worste part is I know I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'll just lie there staring at the ceiling thinking hopeless thoughts.
Well in better news, my parents are out this weekend. Today I smoked sooo much that snot flew out of my nose I was laughing so hard. Luckily, nobody but my close friends were there to witness it. It was pink..why? I still ask myself that question.
Well I called Justin about twenty minutes ago and he still hasn't called me back. It's so weird how people know that some certain relationship won't work out in the end, but they still jump into it. It's like a lost cause. Man I'm such a sucker for lost causes. OK, need to get my mind off it somehow.
Nice first entry, eh Soph? TOM BOMB!
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brokeheartbaby's journal
horny.
naughty.
high.
creative.
mellow.
blank.
drained.